Twit for a hut…

Ladder of Life

“Sometimes you have to do the best with whatever you are left with…”

Oh no, definitely no. No one famous enough said that. It was me, the poor little creature. So I received a call and yup, you are right, it was my professor. It’s amusing to recollect that I get more calls from my professors, undergrads and professionals than my own friends and colleagues. Why it happens to me? Probably I being rude to most of the fellows, they opt for easy way out. They abandon everything and jump from the sinking project they might need my help to rectify.

I know, I boast a lot about my skills but for whatever they are worth of, at least one percent of it is definitely true. And those who call me generally hinge on that one percent if not completely.

So… where’s the funny part? Wait for it. After a long discourse of what I’ve been doing all this while since the last update about a week ago, my professor was definitely astonished to know that I haven’t done anything useful for some time. To motivate me he says, ‘… You have to work because you have to climb the ladder of life.’

Well, that was something. I never contradicted him nor mentioned anything that would sadden him at the moment for he doesn’t deserve to bear my anguish. The good thing about a phone conversation is that you can make a very different impression and yet the listener wouldn’t concern himself with anything other than your words.

The smirk on my face with the statement was a clear indication of my disapproval of his comment and the yet thank goodness, he wasn’t there to see it. His words were one question away from being discredited, but I somehow withheld my thoughts before they came out.

The simple question would have been ‘Why?’ Climbing the ladder in life might be your goal but that’s not mine as I certainly would have given a thought otherwise. Yet what makes him think that every person in this world wants to compete on the same roots and yet be happy with it is beyond my understanding. I just know that life means nothing to someone who doesn’t acknowledges it and worst would be not to find any difference between an individual and anything around it. Nirvana, as many call it isn’t difficult for anyone. Just for a moment one has to notice the things that actually matter in one’s life.

For every individual is different and maybe there is someone who does anything, not because people want but because he wants to do it…

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Well… I admit.

You heard the previous account of mine describing the disappointment from the recent advancements in the life of a friend. Now when I look at the incident, an admiration flows for her. She is mature enough to take her own decisions and live her life based on her own terms and conditions. For someone like me, that might seem like amelioration to next level of existence. But on deep introspection just one thought was knocking at the back door of my head, am I ready for something that big?

My fickle character, my childish squabbles and my emotional attitude begs to differ. I’m no way ready for something that big and how can I, when I still prefer ice cream over healthy dinner or a fight with oneself over nap time or my the total disregard for hygiene  with clothes ready to be thrown into washing machining that still occupies major portion of space in my room. On close observation, one may find a man-child. Oh wait… a man-child preacher.

I guess I like it that way. My twenty-hour work shifts, my constant nagging for project completion or my frequent clash over thesis direction with my professor is something that I love. I love to be the lone wolf and I know as long as I’m alone there is no problem big enough that I cannot overcome. It’s just that the failure I face every time with the results of my efforts makes me contemplate where my life is moving.

My constant complaint about the life and all life forms is just another way of shredding the first sign of responsibility that I may be trusted with. It’s not that I don’t like doing what others expect from me, just that I hate to let them down. What I fail to understand is why people put their faith in such a fragile persona? Whatever the reason may be, it’s the loss of people entrusting me with work and not of those who have completely lost all hope from me.

“If you don’t take me seriously, you are a fool. If you do take me seriously, then you are a bigger fool” Words from my arch-enemy.

Fly

Captured from the marvelous view of a mother in Russia (I’m have a terrible photography skill anyway)

It’s the Christmas and when everyone else is having fun with their close ones, I’m here writing about the sad reality which is also termed as my life. Every spectator says that I’m pretty lucky to have everything as per my wish. May be what they want, I might be having it but what they have is so precious that I would go on a battle with Sauron for it. So this one happened like this…

It was 3 am and my phone buzzed. The message was not for me but for two of my friends to attend an event. Ignorant of the occasion, I humbly asked “What am I missing?” and the reply was stunning. Another friend of mine is getting married and I wasn’t aware of it. Chuck that, the big picture is that she is marrying. For an individual it would had been a pleasant surprise but not for me. I was filled with sadness, not because she is marrying but because I will miss another occasion to socialize.

I know, I’m a true hypocrite. I boast that I want to be alone and yet I drool on hearing any such news. Not getting invited isn’t a big deal as many don’t consider my existence and I’m pretty content with that. The disheartening part is that I’ll miss another social event. To begin with I’m over 24 years old and I yet have to attend my first social event. Termed as ‘Anthropophobia’ the geeks found an easy way out but for someone who still has to wear a label of it, it’s nothing less than a disappointment.

There is another probable reason for my disappointment, jealousy. It is not deniable that I’m a sadist and don’t want other to be happy when I’m not. Or maybe I’m too possessive or I just miss my friends. Whatever be the reason there is one simple conclusion, we all are so indulged in pursuit of our own happiness that we forget to see the pain of others. I’ve neglected the annoyance everyone is facing because of my constant pestering. There is that guy who keeps on trying to make myself open to the world. There is another friend who teachers me to live vibrantly. There are my lunatics that make me crazy. There are numerous souls that are out there to take care of me and yet if I fall, it wouldn’t be their mistake.

I missed an opportunity then what, I’ll make sure that I attend the marriage of remaining single friends. If they aren’t obliging then I’ve to work overtime as cupid and if everything fails, there is a last hope of marriage in my future, then at least I’ll be attending one event.

The big fall

It’s the vacation time and every individual whom I know is out there enjoying him/herself. These are the elite people in the evolutionary ladder with enough skills to make sure that they don’t spend any single second of their lives in dismal state. On the same ladder there if you keep going down (miles and miles) and just a step before the last one, you may find me.

I’ll be there furiously working on the insignificant ideas and experiments only to fail again and again. Don’t worry, I won’t be alone. There will be my professor, my colleagues and the whole academia who work completely out of their mind sacrificing their every living moment for the cause. But that’s not it, there are also so-called researchers that are expected to research, have a profile pic posing a ‘V’ and wearing a lab coat on Facebook but are seldom found in lab. I don’t feel any apathy towards them but certainly I find myself to be envious to the pleasures of life that they are enjoying. Then there comes the sect of people who boasts their actions by labeling the innocent enthusiast as ‘nerds’.

For me I don’t consider myself as nerd but definitely have some qualities of it. For example this text is being shaped after 48 hours of straight work in laboratory which has now reduced my experimental time by half. That’s a big jump for my hypothesis of my thesis. The person guilty for my ordeal is none other than my professor. I’m here because I like accepting new challenges and hope to make sure that I don’t get bored while I’m still alive but often I find in a situation where lab meeting is being held and I’m the lone unfunded graduate. Why others would put themselves through such a hard labor even without any interest of their own and only for money is beyond my comprehension. But one thing is certain, with the beginning of new semester in two weeks, all those flying high on vacation will be dragged down to my level. Everything will be even and the there will be peace in my heart for the fall I averted. That will be my moment when I’ll finally get to put on that evil smile on my face and make others feel worse than what professor would be doing to them…

“To Invent Your Own Life’s Meaning Is Not Easy… But It’s Still Allowed… And I think You’ll Be Happier For The Trouble”

– Bill Watterson

It’s due

Life is full of surprises. One day you get a complement out of nowhere and you start thinking why anyone would complement someone who is nothing but a loser. In this race of life who is the winner anyway. We are unnaturally competing for the resources that I would like to consider were out of bound for us. Yet the affection and thoughts that show the compassion are the more than plenty to compensate for the guilt.

I never thanked anyone for anything. It’s not as if I can’t, I don’t know how to thank someone. Phrases like “thank you” or “you’re welcome” doesn’t make much sense for me. As if in the absence of their comment I would stop dressing up or stop being polite. Just that with my world whirling around me, the only entity I found worth spending time on was me… just to be proved wrong again.

It all started with my friend betting on the occasion which I frankly don’t remember at all and a girl whose memory was highly speculated. The dismal scene of vacation quickly lost its essence as soon as it began. Trying to take it light, I decided to change my workplace to a lounge that opens a view of scenic beauty and awe. I was there, crying in pain for the work off loaded by my professor. And I got a call reminding that the day isn’t over and so was the bet. My seclusion was breached and it started pouring. Wishes and complements, for losing another year to the time. But the horror of my evident decreasing life span wasn’t amounting to anything when I learnt that “the” girl remembered the day. It was nothing less than a sort of miracle for me who is not great at making friends. For the first time in years I wasn’t invisible for others, I was very much present and alive. I still remember the moment as I’ll keep recalling it as a slap to the inhibitions introduced by the world to me, and to some extent to my professor (I just hope he doesn’t read this, again if I just don’t blabber about this page in front of him). If I start putting the responses of people who talked to me today then it would be just the family movie storyline, with a rebellious kid and nurturing mom, skeptical father and annoying, lunatic, amazing friends.

I guess I was wrong and so it’s due, my gratitude for every living soul that exists and no matter what happens those who know me will be the bolster for those who need them, just the way I try to be for them. Though I’m spending my evening in solitude without any soul around, yet there is a smile on my face. May be my life wouldn’t amount to anything, but at least it wouldn’t be in vain; no matter what my professor says!

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