Twit for a hut…

Well, other than frequent visits to hospital, nothing much. So, what happened? Well, bipolar happened.

Since I’ve been told about my manic-depressive illness, the news did not bring much attention towards itself as compared to the medication. Things could had been easy with just medication, but sometimes it is not enough.

Oh, I forgot to mention that this article is coming up when I’m about to depart from US. I realize that even with medications mood swing in bipolar type 1 disorder is high, very high… enough to drag someone from a properly functioning system to asylum.

My second visit was based on similar grounds, my depression phase did not initiate suicidal ideation but brought back the aggressive and discontentment towards every living soul. And so I was restrained from my therapist’s office to psychiatric ward.

It’s difficult to say if I want to be in such scenario or it’s just something completely out of my hand. But things become different when people support with their full faith. It was a scenario at the university and at home with my family being cooperative like never before. Though except my therapist none knows the true extent of thoughts, I realized one every important fact.

No matter where you go, what you become, the peace and tranquility in life can only be at home.

So that’s that. I’m on my way back home and I’ll be completing my remaining course with distant learning courses. I’m hoping that there won’t be any more hospitalizations, any more fall backs or tormenting moments ready to rip apart my life.

Realizing I

It’s been some time since I wrote anything on the blog or in my personal diary. But now there is a reason to write and it’s important for people to know.

Hugo Wolf famously wrote “To be sure, I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds.”

In this world when time is seen as everything and to spend it on a friend is a mean to your own failure, words of Hugo Wolf will amount to nothing. To find its meaning one has to witness unimaginable. I’ve seen people succumbing to their own emotions, helplessly screaming through their eyes for help. I never believed anyone to be so in this shrewd world until now.

I sought help for myself over years hoping that someone would understand me and will be there when I’ll be in shambles my friend will be there. But this isn’t a perfect world and for most part I faced the scare alone. I don’t blame them for anything. They have their own lives but certainly it was my fault that I never let anyone close enough to have that kind of confidence.

During a recent episode I was desperately looking for help and my friends were troubled with their own lives. So for first time I gathered enough courage and sought help from someone outside of my confidence circle. To my awe, they were helpful and not just in understanding my stand but in making me realize that I wasn’t alone.

If you too are battling against your own emotions and mood, please do not hesitate and talk to someone who you can trust. Their support can be a big help.

The loved one

There are two different kind of people, the one who understand you and the rest. People spend their lives living for the one and the pleasure that we get out of it is generally insourmounable. People see me and understand me from what I exhibit, hate me for what they are looking at. What they don’t see is that there is another me that is just like them, fun loving, always ecstatic lively person. But does he mean anything at all?

I’ve questioned this many times and every time I arrived at there is no reason to survive… until I met someone. A very unlikely friend for we were from two different worlds, with two different connections. In a desperate need of approval I looked up to him and he didn’t let me down.

‘You rock, you know!’ and these were the exact words I was looking for. Sometimes a very special friend is needed, a close to heart.

The world as we know off…

“You know there is a tree which is said to grant every wish a human asked with the true heart. The fable traveled through many centuries and myriad ears, every time to be looked down as a fiction to amazing to be true. As it is, the fable remained unattended and at the verge of getting completely lost.

As the gruesome the world was for the fable, it carried the legend of wishing tree with it, hoping to be rejuvenated by a believer.
One fine day a curious kid heard the fable when the sparse creatures were soon to be forgotten in history. The surged imagination of a wishing tree was just a start. As the kid’s imagination took flight and he started on the adventure. An adventure to locate the chest, the treasure, the tree.
He searched the room to find nothing. He searched his home to find no plant, leave alone the tree. He took a step and looked outside to find pale, dull yellow world. The hope seemed to fickle but yet he had the faith. He asked his mother, “Where can I find the wishing tree?” with gleaming eyes of possibility fixed at her.
“Oh dear…” she said as she turned around with guilty eyes. A drop of tear rolled from her eye in apathy towards humanity. It was too much to bear for the kid. With drenched eyes he ran to the door hoping his mother to be wrong when he will open it.
He lost everything as he open the door to a nightmare. There was barren horizon, ruptured by Sun’s wrath. Carcasses laying all around submerged in quivering mirage, His world was contained in a glass sphere fencing the faith and nature’s retort. Appalled the kid took a step, holding a hand against the glass he saw the world burning to hell.
For such a novice as him, to believe in a fable to exist, was a fool by fathom leaps not let down by his innocence but by the world once existed.”

Past two weeks have been extremely terrible for me and yet somehow I’m putting up with everything. It saddens my mind whenever I’m entangled in the discourse and my friends are just as skeptical as ever. But what the general mob does to my emotional state is far worse.

All my actions are directed towards the common action of self-reliance. My life, no matter in what state it is I’m trying to fill every void of it. But people keep throwing up new and very adversary situations that seem completely normal to them. And to counter that, they are so rigid that they don’t even want to consider my perspective. I’ve certainly never denied theirs but what they are doing is shear arrogance.

Let us take the simplest of situation created by my professor. Apparently my misery at the lab wasn’t high enough that he threw a project at my face and I was supposed to be in a group and it’s been over a week but I haven’t found anyone willing to accept me in the group at all. It’s partially my fault but their fear is the biggest hurdle that comes between me and anyone. Either they fear my words, my actions or my attitude or they simply hate me. Either way they are worthless for me. And what will happen if I do not get myself accepted in a group is as simple as failing the course.

Not realizing my agony with mindless freaks nothing to offer for intellectual appetite does not bothers my professor. Rather he would force me to take his way and I on the other hand would rather fail in the course than going out of my way doing something that isn’t my nature. I am being very clear in my words and actions states that it’s not uncommon for me to be a part of something good. But on the contrary I’m a great lawyer of essence and passion which unless I witness in a person is not worth my time.

I’ve constantly mentioning him that I’ve limited time and yet he never sees the basic idea I’ve been feeding to him. We all have very limited time in our hands and it’s our duty to ensure that we spend it in a way we want to and it should be left at an individual’s discretion the way he or she is going to opt for. Any decision will have a consequence and the sole responsible person would be no one other than him or her. Yet people believe that their interference would make any difference is their optimism and in my situation a very big letdown.

There are different paths to take and it’s the burden of an individual for any suitable outcome. It’s the web of world that makes me contemplate over and over is it worth at all? Heeding to the contempt of everyone over and over with no window or space of listening to my words. Once a good man told me to let it all out and be at ease. I’ve been a follower to his actions but even when I speak it seems that I’m talking to myself or shouting in a world of deaf.

Are people so occupied that they have left every source of understanding moderated by their perception and filter anything per their dislike. Why can’t they accept a person as they are? I don’t go around telling what or what not should be there. All I do is my work, something that interests me even in the time of pain. And if that doesn’t suit someone, shouldn’t that be left alone. The more people will try to reform me, the more rigid I’ll be and it might be as silly as a kid’s insistence but to hell with it, it’s my life. I’ll decide the way I want it to go, I’ll decide the way it will end.

It’s just like that

It’s been almost a week since the awful discussion with my professor. The major side-effects of such philosophical discussion are the down-time in machinery of my mind. And the people affected by it were few souls half way around the world.

My reclusive behavior wasn’t a shocker for anyone as people believe that we are kind souls. We all forgive on admittance of repentance and the same was done by me. But sometimes one gets angry to an extent that the mind itself begins to discard the necessities for existence, especially when the culprit is one self. This time I guess it went too much and which I believe will extent for another year. This embargo of communication with every soul is meant for the benefit of everyone and to explain it to anyone is difficult and yet I hope they understand.

So, I was on bed and it was 10 in morning (Yes… I do get to sleep late in morning, envy me!) and I received a call from very distant number. First I thought, let it be, I won’t be picking up the call. On the second thought, my etiquettes didn’t allow me to be so rude. It was one of the lovely soul, that was famously known as the most hilarious brother in the batch and to my gladness he is my friend. The sad part was that I had to explain the reason for such absurd reclusive behavior which for a freak like me was very difficult. Yet he understood my problem and assured his presence.

“Assuring one’s presence” is a thing that we all have been doing at different time. It started with me calling and pestering everyone after we all went our own ways. But in case of a distress, broken communication chain or tragedy, it was my duty to make sure that he/she is remembered by everyone and he/she knows that they are not alone.

This tool was being used for me and I was happy in a certain way but disappointed from myself for letting this happen. But a sneak like me never loses their sight no matter where they are or what they might be doing. It’s just that in this world then noise is all that you hear, sometimes it feels good to escape from the world to solitude. It’s an amazing experience.

It’s better to protect beloved from distance than troubling them from your presence. It’s just like that.

Adding a new chapter in the glorified account of totally useless discussions taking place between me and professor, today’s incident just breaks all the benchmarks. So… it started with a simple accidental rendezvous. My intentions were to have a simple discussion about the lecture notes and it pretty much ended with him suggesting medical help. Without making you all wait any more, here is the story….

I knock the door and enters the room with his majesty’s permission.

‘So Daniel, tell me how are the things?’
‘Sir, In research I’ll be commencing experiments this week and the procedure is simple. I’ll be taking two para…’

‘I meant how do you feel about working in Lab?’
‘It’s great.’
‘The reason why I’m asking this question is I want to be as open as possible with you and expect the same in return.’
‘Ok… and?’
‘And I think you are not open and have certain hidden agenda. That’s not good for the lab!’

‘Sir, I’m very open and honest. If I commit a mistake and you ask me anything about it, I’ll definitely admit to that.’
‘Well, I know. But your attitude with others is not very commending as well!’
‘Sir, to be honest, I couldn’t care less for others. Ask me to do anything, I’ll do that and will contribute to the cause but why is it necessary for me to hang out with people?’

‘You know Daniel, Humans are social animal. There must be something wrong with you if you want to be alone.’
‘But sir… I’m not alone. I’ve friends and I’m pretty content with my life.’
‘I cannot imagine how much they used to tolerate you…’
‘You mean that I’m eccentric for minding my own business?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t put that way. It’s just that your eccentric behavior is driving people away.’

‘What do you recommend me to do then?’
‘There is nothing wrong in taking professional help.’

As I saw him speaking the final words, I wondered why… why do anyone care so much about being social. Why can’t people just leave people alone. It’s not as if I’m running around burning anything that I might lay my eyes on!

In this world where people are so entangled with the paradigm of “Sociableness” they forget the basic human values of being honest, trustworthy and dedication. And being all three doesn’t mean that one is not happy with his life. It’s just that some sleep a lot better without any thoughts in their mind.

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